The Joke thread...

[guitarnerd]

Post your jokes here...

[Blank Verse]

Alright, I got a long one.

So there's this young man...classic story, boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back, boy marries girl. Got that? Good...anywho, the difference in this story is boy grows up to be one insanely boring man. Man becomes accountant.

Now just because this man is boring, it does not mean he's dumb. He begins to have these lingering suspicions that his wife is secretly seeing other men. There are signs everywhere. Scattered underwear in the bedroom, man's wife is often too tired, but extremely happy, too have sex. To top it off, she really seems to have no interest in him at all.

One day, man becomes so paranoid, he hatches a brilliant plan to catch his wife in the act. He decides to leave work early and go home to his "loving" wife. When he opens the door...well, the shades are drawn, the house is a mess, there are papers everyhwere, and there is an audibler moan coming from the bedroom. Man decides to barge in and confront his wife and whatever ------- was involved. Sure enough, when he opens the door, there is his wife, naked, only covered by her bedsheets, but there is nobody around. However, man does notice that the window is open. Man storms over to the window to find an individual hanging onto the ledge of their fifth story apartment building. this man looks up to see our hero filled with rage...this man pleads "hey, wait, what are you doing? NO!!!" as he says this, man hammers on the hanging individual's hands, causing him to fall off the ledge five stories down. Now, this man should have died, but fortuantely for him, a tree below broke his fall, and he escaped with minor injuries. Seeing this, Man is not happy knowing this man is still alive. Man decided to drop his fridge onto the man below, killing him instantly.

Suddenly, Man realizes what he has just done, that he is so filled with guilt and shame that he jumps out the window to his death.

MEANWHILE, AT THE PEARLY GATES:

God and St. Peter were casually chatting it up, when the conversation turned to business.

"You know Petey, this place sure is getting full. I think we need some kind of new standard on how to let people in." ventured God.

St. Peter, who had been drinking, had this to say:" Hey, I know. Why don't we ask the people who approach the gate how they died, and if it's bad enough, we can let them in?"

God, with a lack of any better ideas, agreed to this plan.

Eventually, a man shows up, and once he reaches the gate, St. Peter says "alright, we've got our new policy of letting people in. We need to know how you died,"

This man looks at St. Peter and says: "OK, here's the deal, I lived on a 6th story of an apartment complex. Every morning, I go out on my balcony, and do situps on the ledge. Kinda stupid, I know, but I can't afford a chin-up bar. anyhow, today, I put my habd into some fresh bird ----, and fell off my ledge. Fortunately, I was able to catch the ledge of the apartment on the fifth story. But for some reason, some guy came out of the window, and he was pissed. He started bashing my fingers and I fell off. My fall was broken by a tree, and I sat there realizing how lucky I was to be alive. I looked up, and I see this guy dropping his fridge on me. I died on the spot"

God and St. Peter agree this is a truly brutal way to die, so they let him into heaven without a second guess. Shortly after, another man shows up, and St. Peter giveshim the low down on the new policy.

The man tells him that he ws an accountant, and he thought his wife was having an affair. He came home early to find this to be true, and he explained how he killed the man and then himself. God and St. Peter find this to be truly sickening, and banish the man to hell.

Later on, a third man shows up.

St. Peter gives the man the skinny on the new policy, and the man replies...

"OK, get this. I'm naked in a fridge..."

[anhedonia]

Okay, I have one too.

These three guys are in a car accident, and they get killed. So they go to Heaven, and this angel walks up and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven. You can do anything you like here, but don't step on any ducks".

The angel disappears; and the guys look around. There's a few ducks walking about. A few days later, one of the guys accidentally steps on a duck. The angel returns with a really ugly, horrible woman. He gets Guy #1 (who stepped on a duck) and says, "Okay, because you stepped on a duck, you've got to be chained to this woman forever". And he chains them together.

A few days later, the second guy accidentally steps on a duck. The angel reappears again, with another ugly, horrible woman. He chains Guy #2 and the horrible woman together.

Guy #3 manages to not step on any ducks for ages. Then, finally, the angel reappears again. This time, he's got a beautiful, nice girl with him, and he chains Guy #3 to her.
"Wow," He says. "What did you do?"
She replies, "I stepped on a duck."

[is0lized]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade in the US.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who

said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hands up. 'Patrick Henry, 1775.' he said.

Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'? Again, no response except from Suzuki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863.', said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Japs.'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. 'Lee Iacocca, 1982.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares and asks, 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Suzuki says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s**t, we're in BIG trouble! and Suzuki said,

'The Taliban! 2001.'

[is0lized]

Originally posted by Blank Verse

"OK, get this. I'm naked in a fridge..."



:confused: :confused:

[Moonman]

I higly reccommend you are over 17 to read this attachment.

[anhedonia]

Originally posted by Themanonthemoon
I higly reccommend you are over 17 to read this attachment.

ROTFLMAO ROTFLMAO

That was hilarious!

[Moonman]

Originally posted by +chips


ROTFLMAO ROTFLMAO

That was hilarious!
i quite liked it, here is another, again same rules apply.

[anhedonia]

Oh, I absolutely LOVE that one! :D

[Moonman]

and another.

[Moonman]

and another, this is one of my favourites.

[Moonman]

one more, this should do me. I give this a 9.5/10




This is a meow joke :D
and it's long, but way worth reading.

[anhedonia]

Originally posted by Themanonthemoon
one more, this should do me. I give this a 9.5/10




This is a meow joke :D
and it's long, but way worth reading.

ahahah, how sick!

[Moonman]

Originally posted by +chips


ahahah, how sick!
sick but quite funny. I think meow would have liked it :D.
read the one called voodoo.txt

[MN-Carl]

Originally posted by Themanonthemoon
one more, this should do me. I give this a 9.5/10




This is a meow joke :D
and it's long, but way worth reading.

sick .. lol:biggrin2:

[Blank Verse]

oh dear god.

[MN-Carl]

I got a good one ( this aint it .. but i'll find it soon )

its kindof adult :p

;::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::;

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.
The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex -- that way, he'd last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

"Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you're doing?"

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

"I'm just fixing the axle of my car, officer."

"Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"

[MN-Carl]

and

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

[MN-Carl]

and again


One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

and again :

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

and again:

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"

"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."

He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"

"No, I'm Bubbles."

[MN-Carl]

This one is ok :)

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home late in the morning. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, upset at him.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"Well, the couch is pretty uncomfortable since I let my mother sleep in the bedroom."

and

There was a woman and her husband. They were hapilly married except for the fact that the husband never gave his wife any money. One day, a friend of the husband's comes over while the wife was taking a shower. He rings the doorbell and the wife comes out, wrapped in a towel. He asks, "Is your husband home?" She answers, "No, but he'll back in about 30 minutes. You can stay and wait for him if you want." The friend agrees and enters the house.
As the wife is about to enter the bedroom the friend says, "If you flash me I'll give you a hundred dollars." The wife thinks... "well if I accept, then I'll finally have some money of my own." So she agrees and flashes him. She was about to leave the room when he says, "If you model nude for me until your husband gets home I'll give you two hundred dollars." She thinks about it and agrees. A couple of minutes later he says, "If you have sex with me, I'll give you three hundred dollars." She thinks about it and agrees.

After the sex, he leaves, saying he had other buisness to get to. She thinks happily about the six hundred dollars and what she would do with it. Her husband comes home and she says, "Honey, your friend came over today." He replies, "Oh? Did he have the six hundred dollars he owed me?"

[guitarnerd]

Ok my is pretty dirty but hey, it's funny...it is lame too

Well, these three guys were on a road trip and there car broke down in the middle of no where. So they started walking and they found a old bed and breakfast, so they go in and it turns out there were no rooms, but the owner said you can stay in my room if you pay triple the price and DO NOT look in the closet. So they all agree and pay the price. So they are in there sleeping, and one of the guys dares the other guys to open the closet real quick and look. So the guy opens and see that there are hidden cameras in all of the other rooms. So they shut the door and right then the owner runs up there and says YOU LOOKED IN MY CLOSET NOW YOU MUST HELP ME HARVEST MY FRUIT! So the next day the owner says, pick 50 of any fruit you want and bring to the basement. So the first guy finished and he had picked grapes. SO the owners chains him up and sticks the grapes up his butt. The second guy picks oranges, and so while she is trying to stick them in his butt, he keeps laughing and they are falling out, and she keeps saying stop laughing. And keeps trying unsucsessfully. Eventually she asks him, so what is so funny? He says, the other guy is picking Watermellons.

[shizzle]

Most of these jokes come straight from funny.com