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Post your jokes

deeplist said:
Now THAT is just damn funny. +rep if I could, man.
Click to expand...

yeah, i had to spread before being able to give you some too. lol.
back to the jokes :p

---------------------------

I have a new pick-up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them.

Here's how it goes. "Excuse me, love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
 
A Chinaman decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai.

He bought a small piece of land. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinaman running around his frontyard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the
bull's butt.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and
says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?

I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about sh*t on you.'

The Chinaman is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'

Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinaman, 'He say to become true Australian, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull sh*t.'
 
An Australian ventriloquist on visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a f*cking liar"


A married man goes to confession and says to the priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest replies,"Almost?"
The man says, Well, we got undressed and rubbed together; but I stopped at that."

The Priest repies,"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in! Say 5 hail Marys and put £50 in the poor box."

The man leaves and pauses by the poor box. The watching priest runs over to him saying,"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box."

The man replies,"Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on it and according to you, it's the same as putting it in."
 
Knew I'd seen it somewhere, just posting em as I find em in a bit text list of jokes. :)

You might have commented on the second one, or even posted one yourself ya humourless git! :D
 
Blonde Joke

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Funny one that i've heard before
 
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
 
Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Source: Ajokes.com
 
The big false in this world is that in one room there are 3 women and all are silent
and 1 thing more a man is very happy after marriage.
 
My Favourite Joke !

I play Golf,so here's a Golf Joke

18 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex

* You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
* If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique
* The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
* If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, when you become famous
* Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with
* It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger
* When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
* If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
* Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
* When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
* You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
* You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment
* There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease
* If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
* Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
* Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
* You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
* Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 
Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get! :D
 
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