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Ben's got a situation

foo2thabar

foo2thabar

Well-Known Member
NLC
Okay, /fws/. I need some advice.

Over the weekend I went to a club with some friends. I got really, really drunk. Things got dirty on the dance floor and I hooked up with one of them. I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind ... don't hook up with her. But I did anyway. Due to some things she said that night, some questions she asked, I think that she thinks it was more than a hookup. That I might want to date her. And that's not the case at all ... I don't want to date ANYBODY right now, nothing against her.

So, /fws/. Save me the "Don't hook up with your friends" crap, save me the "Don't drink" crap, etc. I avoided hooking up with my friends until now, but I'm sure temptation will get me over again at least once. How would you handle this without losing a friend?
 
I feel for ya ben, your having a hard time lately mate!

From past times with me, just say to her it was a mistake you were drunk.

Itl either work a treat, or if she really wants you it will fail :(
 
Just tell her you're confused, going through some things with your ex and aren't sure at all what you feel right now. Things happened, but you're not looking for a relationship right now.

Oh, and for future advice..don't drink while hooking up with friends..or is it don't hook up with friends while drinking? :p
 
I actually did the same thing this weekend. However, due to you saying this was in the middle of the dance floor I got a sneaking suspicion that our definitions of "hooking up" are either different, or Ben is a freaky mother-shut-your-mouth.

I just flat out told her the next day that it was a casual thing and that I wasn't looking for anything beyond. She didn't necessarily seem happy about that but she said that's what she was thinking was going on and thanked me for just being up front.

So Ben, I say, just tell her your exact thoughts and be ready to take any wrath that brings. I guarantee you will get a bigger ---- storm if you hold out.
 
Nick: My description of the situation was a little off. It started on the dance floor and continued beyond. And yes, things did get a bit freaky on the dance floor as well .... and I would not have been opposed to what you're implying if it wasn't close to closing when this happened and there were 1/3 the people that were there an hour before.

I was planning on just flat-out telling her with wording similar to what Corazu mentioned if she pressed it (because, honestly, that's the case), but luckily she hasn't said anything. The next day all I did was drive her home when we woke up and we haven't spoken since ... Now that I think about it, she did call it a hook up, but indirectly, so this "situation" may not be a situation at all. If that's the case, I'll remember what's said in this topic for my future situations.

Jordan: Haha, yeah. ---- happens.
 
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My killer advice (and I speak from experience in one-night friend hookups);

Do her a few more times. No seriously. Even date her for about a week, then become VERY distant. She will sense the change it attitude and tell her, with friendly confidence, that you are very worried about ruining your friendship and just aren't ready for a relationship. Saying both of these reasons is key, one without the other ruins your chances of saving a friendship.

Go forward as FRIENDS that kiss and occasionally bang. That way, you can keep the earlier of the two OK when you drop the later part [unless, you can keep them both going without commitment, in which case I will say, you are the first]
 
JohnN said:
Just say you're gay. Worked for a guy I know who was in your situation.
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Except that Ben still wants to be friends with said chick, and said chick might notice in future social occasions when Ben isn't making out with other guys.

Personally I'd go with the straightforward approach, unless you particularly enjoyed yourself and want to go with Matt8's. If you don't want any complication, and since she seems to have implied some random hook-up-ness on her part as well, being straightforward with her would probably piss her off for a while, but she'll appreciate it in the long run.
 
Matt8 said:
My killer advice (and I speak from experience in one-night friend hookups);

Do her a few more times. No seriously. Even date her for about a week, then become VERY distant. She will sense the change it attitude and tell her, with friendly confidence, that you are very worried about ruining your friendship and just aren't ready for a relationship. Saying both of these reasons is key, one without the other ruins your chances of saving a friendship.

Go forward as FRIENDS that kiss and occasionally bang. That way, you can keep the earlier of the two OK when you drop the later part [unless, you can keep them both going without commitment, in which case I will say, you are the first]
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This is the correct advice. As someone currently in a 'best friends with benefits' situation, it is AWESOME. It's all the fun of a relationship, and none of the BS.
 
bigperm said:
This is the correct advice. As someone currently in a 'best friends with benefits' situation, it is AWESOME. It's all the fun of a relationship, and none of the BS.
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I've had such an arrangement twice. The first time lasted almost two years before it came down to her saying "I just have feelings for you, more than what we are right now". The second time came to that in about seven months. Situation becomes pretty sticky when it gets to that point.

Maybe I'm just bitter from past experiences, but I don't think such arrangement is worth it anymore.
 
I'd say don't be a woman and say "I just don't know right now, I'm confused" etc.

If you aren't interested, and you aren't. Tell her, "I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to lead you on. I really like having you as a friend, and I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship." Or something worded better.

Now if women could just learn to say "no", instead of crap like "I'm confused right now" "I need time to think." etc...
 
Nick said:
I've had such an arrangement twice. The first time lasted almost two years before it came down to her saying "I just have feelings for you, more than what we are right now". The second time came to that in about seven months. Situation becomes pretty sticky when it gets to that point.

Maybe I'm just bitter from past experiences, but I don't think such arrangement is worth it anymore.
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The reason me and her aren't in a serious relationship has nothing to do with our feelings for each other, we are both madly in love with each other. She's burnt out on relationships and the thought of making a commitment like that make her want to swerve into traffic, and I don't want that to happen, so here we are. I'm sure I'll be bitter one day, but for right now, I like having a girl and not a girlfriend.
 
How would you handle this without losing a friend?
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God. I have been in this situation at least a half dozen times, and I still haven't learned.

Really, I have no advice. I just lucked out every single time and ended up not losing any friendships.
 
Ben said:
Okay, /fws/. I need some advice.

Over the weekend I went to a club with some friends. I got really, really drunk. Things got dirty on the dance floor and I hooked up with one of them. I had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind ... don't hook up with her. But I did anyway. Due to some things she said that night, some questions she asked, I think that she thinks it was more than a hookup. That I might want to date her. And that's not the case at all ... I don't want to date ANYBODY right now, nothing against her.

So, /fws/. Save me the "Don't hook up with your friends" crap, save me the "Don't drink" crap, etc. I avoided hooking up with my friends until now, but I'm sure temptation will get me over again at least once. How would you handle this without losing a friend?
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hmmm, this is a tough one bro. been there, done that. just tell her you really care about her as a friend, but, you just arent ready to date anyone right now, and you are sorry for giving the wrong impression, and that maybe when you are in the right place to date again, she will be on your list or something. i had sex with a few close friends and this worked for me. :D
 
methodcomptech said:
... but, you just arent ready to date anyone right now, and you are sorry for giving the wrong impression, and that maybe when you are in the right place to date again, she will be on your list or something.
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No, completely disagree. If the answer is no, say "no", not "maybe, but not now".
 
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