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JOKES thread!


Sup, Recoil here.
Tell yer best ones!

Maybe you should say before if they're adult content or something.. to be on the safe side :p.

A redhead goes into the doctor's office and
said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the

"Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
This police officer sees this BMW doing 90+mph (145kmph) in a 35mph zone. He turns around, hits his lights and takes after the BMW. He gets right behind the BMW with his lights and sirens blasting and the BMW won't pull over. He gets on the loud speaker "PULL OVER NOW!", but still the BMW does not pull over. Finally, after following him for about 15-20 minutes the BMW pulls over. The police officers jumps out of his car, runs to the drivers side and yells "WHY DIDN'T YOU PULL OVER?!" the driver looks at him and says "Last week my wife ran away with a police officer and I thought you were trying to return her to me!"
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

Outlaws are wanted.

[i have so many that are hilarious but not PG-13 :(
These two rabbits escape from the laboratory and see grass for the first time. Lollopy, lollopy, lollopy, lop, they bounce through the grass when they meet an older rabbit. "Hello," says the older rabbit. "Would you like to come and stay at my warren?" "What's a warren?" ask the two rabbits. "Don't worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see." So off they go and they like the tunnels and chambers of the older rabbit's warren, and decide to stay. In the morning, the two rabbits are awaken by the thumping of the older rabbit: thump thump thump. "Come on out for the cabbages," calls the older rabbit. "What's a cabbage?" ask the two rabbits. So off they go and enjoy the day in the fields eating cabbages. They return very satisfied with their tummies full of cabbage and agree a good day was had. The following day: thump thump thump, "Come on out for the cabbages", and the same for the day after that. By the end of the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "These cabbages are good but there must be more to life. Let's go and find it." Rabbit two agrees, so off they go lollopy lollopy lollopy lop across the grass. They meet a younger rabbit. "Hello," says the younger rabbit. "Why don't you come and live in my warren. I got young girly rabbits in my warren." So they agree and for three days, it was thump thump thump. By the end of the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "Oh man, I gotta get out of here and get back to the lab." "WHY?!?" asks rabbit two. "This is the best time of our lives!" he exclaims. "Yeah," says rabbit one, "but it has been a week since I've had a cigarette.

And a slightly more risque one :) so highlight to view it better - it's not too bad though :D

Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
You'll get this if you are a Brit:

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?
A: An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

If you are from Essex, sorry!

basically chav jokes ;) there's TONs of them

What do you call a chav in a box?
What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it?
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
What do you call a chav in an igloo?
What do chavs use as protection during sex?
The bus shelter
What's the most confusing day of the year for chavs?
Fathers day

etc etc :p


How many irish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. One to hold it in place, and two to drink 'till the room starts spinning :p
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Q- Why do blonde girls have big belly buttons?
A- They go out with blonde boyfriends


Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
moneyballs2 said:
Q- Why do blonde girls have big belly buttons?
A- They go out with blonde boyfriends

I don't get it... why is that innapropriate? It's not really that funny either :eek: :S
Kwek said:
Dumb Co-pilot:

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard
over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding
at 3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my CO-PILOT!"

End of Dumb Co-pilot.

Stupid Mental Patient:

There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had
his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch this
guy do this day after day.

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening
to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard

He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that
for months."

End of Stupid Mental Patient.

The life of a Sparrow:

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who
decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the
weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to head
south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he
fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow
thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he
started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and investigated the sounds. The
cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and
promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily
your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your
mouth shut!

End of the life of a sparrow.

A preacher messup:

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary
school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your
last point. Often this will help you remember what should
come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he
tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage,
right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to
apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young
man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way.
You told me three times you were coming!"

End of a preachers messup.
I posted these in HostingDepartment's forums a long time ago. :p
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Pedo jokes are quite funny too.. like micheal jackson for instance

What's Micheal Jackson's favourite thing about twenty-nine year olds?
There's 20 of them.
When's it bedtime in MJs house?
When the big hand touches the little hand

and so on... :p