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Avenger
New Member
A bunny hops & jumps around the forest, he runs into a wild dog. The bunny was surprised to see that the dog was smoking, and he says:
-Such an unhealthy way to live, c'mon, leave the filth behind, lets run around the forest for sport, the healthy way!
The dog agrees, and the start running together, soon they run into a boar, one which drinks.
-Here brother boar, We've seen the wrongs of addictiveness, why not join us and live a happy life? says the bunny
The boar joins them too, and they go on running around the forest until the run into the lion, who was just about take heroine when they came.
-Lion, the king of the forest, You should join us too, to a life of energy and happiness, not to a life like this
The lion slaps the bunny in the head, angry and bored. The others were immensly surprised, "Why did you do that?" they asked, "He was just trying to warn you!"
The lion says:
-That idiot gets on "extacy" every weekend and makes us run through the forest till we drop dead. Not this time!
-Such an unhealthy way to live, c'mon, leave the filth behind, lets run around the forest for sport, the healthy way!
The dog agrees, and the start running together, soon they run into a boar, one which drinks.
-Here brother boar, We've seen the wrongs of addictiveness, why not join us and live a happy life? says the bunny
The boar joins them too, and they go on running around the forest until the run into the lion, who was just about take heroine when they came.
-Lion, the king of the forest, You should join us too, to a life of energy and happiness, not to a life like this
The lion slaps the bunny in the head, angry and bored. The others were immensly surprised, "Why did you do that?" they asked, "He was just trying to warn you!"
The lion says:
-That idiot gets on "extacy" every weekend and makes us run through the forest till we drop dead. Not this time!
aphel aura
New Member
There was a doctor, an engineer and a lawyer marooned
on an island, separated from the mainland by a short
channel that was filed with sharks.
The doctor said, "I'm a good swimmer - I can make it
across."
He didn't.
The engineer saw the feeding frenzy and thought he
could make it across with the doctor's demise as a
distraction.
It didn't work. A crowd on the other shore watched in
horror.
The last was the lawyer. He stepped to the edge of the
water and whistled. The sharks in a precision manoeuvre
came together, side by side, making a perfect bridge,
which the lawyer ambled across to safety.
The crowd was stunned.
One man managed to ask the lawyer, "What was that all
about?"
His reply: "Professional courtesy."
on an island, separated from the mainland by a short
channel that was filed with sharks.
The doctor said, "I'm a good swimmer - I can make it
across."
He didn't.
The engineer saw the feeding frenzy and thought he
could make it across with the doctor's demise as a
distraction.
It didn't work. A crowd on the other shore watched in
horror.
The last was the lawyer. He stepped to the edge of the
water and whistled. The sharks in a precision manoeuvre
came together, side by side, making a perfect bridge,
which the lawyer ambled across to safety.
The crowd was stunned.
One man managed to ask the lawyer, "What was that all
about?"
His reply: "Professional courtesy."
You stole that from the Simpsons, my friend
Well, although its quite old, and I'm bound to get.. "Uh, thats like, so 1990" or "thats already been posted", etc. Ill post it anyways because I think its hilarious:
Letter to Technical Support
Dear (IT) Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
processing
and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and
crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby
6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to
run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
Joke 2:
I also liked this one which was previously posted on WHT:
"12- Pack"
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Letter to Technical Support
Dear (IT) Technical Support,
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child
processing
and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system
activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and
crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby
6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to
run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
Joke 2:
I also liked this one which was previously posted on WHT:
"12- Pack"
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
A guy walks into a bar, OUCH!
-=-=-
3 guys walk into a bar, you'd think the 3rd guy would've ducked.
-=-=-
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player
to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of
his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would
name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller
Jesus," the bird answered.
-=-=-
[No offense to those with Speech Disorders]
There was a woman who had a speech impairment. One day she had to buy some stuff. 1st she went to the bakery and bought a bun as her breakfast. Her husband was washing the car, but with the water restrictions, they needed a bucket. She was on her way home when she saw a really cute cockerspaniel in a pet shop window. She decided to buy it, but it ran away as she got it. She followed it as far as she could and she quickly told a man next to her, "Could you hold my bum and fuc|<it, while i find my c0ck-and-spank-it"
-=-=-
3 guys walk into a bar, you'd think the 3rd guy would've ducked.
-=-=-
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player
to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of
his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for
the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would
name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller
Jesus," the bird answered.
-=-=-
[No offense to those with Speech Disorders]
There was a woman who had a speech impairment. One day she had to buy some stuff. 1st she went to the bakery and bought a bun as her breakfast. Her husband was washing the car, but with the water restrictions, they needed a bucket. She was on her way home when she saw a really cute cockerspaniel in a pet shop window. She decided to buy it, but it ran away as she got it. She followed it as far as she could and she quickly told a man next to her, "Could you hold my bum and fuc|<it, while i find my c0ck-and-spank-it"
Joke:
A boy called Pyscho studied pyschotherapy.
He grew up and opened his very own psychotherapy clinic.
He asked the man to make him a signboard.
The next day, he saw PSYCHIOTHERAPIST. He saw a spelling mistake with the I, so he asked the man to correct it.
The next day, this is what Psycho saw: Psycho The Rapist.
A boy called Pyscho studied pyschotherapy.
He grew up and opened his very own psychotherapy clinic.
He asked the man to make him a signboard.
The next day, he saw PSYCHIOTHERAPIST. He saw a spelling mistake with the I, so he asked the man to correct it.
The next day, this is what Psycho saw: Psycho The Rapist.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver
insulted me." She fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why,
he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers." "You're right." She said, "I think I'll go back up
there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea."
The man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
==========
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA agents administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA agent, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this
gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job."
"No," the CIA agent replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!"
==========
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
==========
One day, a retarded boy and his father decide to take a trip to
the Grand Canyon.
Upon their arival in the giant crack, the father yells out
"HELLOOO!" They hear the echo going "Helloo!" "hellooo"
The retarded boy is amazed at the echo, and tries yelling
something himself, "Yeref erad uauff kaschader!" The echo came
back, "What the ---- did you say?"
==========
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the mnager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near
the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver
insulted me." She fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why,
he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers." "You're right." She said, "I think I'll go back up
there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea."
The man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
==========
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get
the extremely secretive job. The CIA agents administering the test
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill
her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA agent, "you're definitely not the right man
for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter
what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this
gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the
gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the
trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the
job."
"No," the CIA agent replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her
to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find
your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door
closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went
on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bastard to death with the chair!"
==========
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
==========
One day, a retarded boy and his father decide to take a trip to
the Grand Canyon.
Upon their arival in the giant crack, the father yells out
"HELLOOO!" They hear the echo going "Helloo!" "hellooo"
The retarded boy is amazed at the echo, and tries yelling
something himself, "Yeref erad uauff kaschader!" The echo came
back, "What the ---- did you say?"
==========
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are
here, and you could have." explains the manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man
again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir,"
he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the mnager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that? asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those
two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself for not helping!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that? asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when our car broke down and those
two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself for not helping!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
